Thursday, November 1, 2012

Your Tenacious Buns


Your Tenacious Buns

Sing to me, muse! you said to me last night
when we debated the origin of the cosmos
and I told you that indeed: love is so fragile;
that linguistics alone couldn’t stand you up,
you and your tenacious buns,
your pineapple breath on Saturday nights,
on nights when the sounds of your guitar
strings dance on my eardrums,
like an elephant on a tightrope in an arboretum.
You and your twin lungs, screaming out my name
under stars and on wooden chairs by candlelight.
Love, I said, makes life askew and also,
I said, makes everything more certain
but not certain at all.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Shall I go steal quarters from the fountain?

Shall I go steal quarters from the fountain?
I will sell my clothes,
I will walk five miles,
searching in cracks of concrete for coins
on the side of the road
to see you again.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Old Poetry


Yoe, Pennsylvania
When we were eighteen,
the abandoned cigar factory in the village of Yoe
proved worthy of a Wednesday night’s entertainment
so we drove three loud cars into the back parking lot
of a building that time had forgotten
as the market shifted
from smoking rooms to radio rooms
to TV rooms in what seemed
like a few months time.
We went in, through a broken glass door on the side
that had been hastily boarded up
and warned NO TRESPASSING and no one cared.
Inside, things creaked and wires hung from the ceiling
and the only light came from our flickering dim flashlights
and the full moon outside.
There were puddles of oil on the floor,
and shredded newspapers reading 1954.
While Deddick and Dengy and Dyl
started throwing around boxes
and climbing paper bale mountains,
I envisioned cops with tasers breaking down
the door with the smashed window
and hauling us off to jail.
While you could have persuaded me otherwise,
or told me to relax and quit being so paranoid,
you said we could go outside if it would ease my mind,
so we stood guard by the door
and for once we were alone
in the bright moonlight of Yoe.
You stood with your back against the weed woods
and I with my back against the cinderblock building.
I said are you scared? and you replied no
even though it was nearing Halloween.
You wanted to kiss me,
I could see it in your eyes.
But being eighteen was hard
and we stood there like eighth graders
at a junior high dance,
arms folded awkwardly, looking down,
and then into each other’s eyes,
talking about adventure,
and calculus,
and what it might feel like to be in each other’s arms.

Hail Mary


Byzantine

Gold and copper etchings

On a blistered wood panel

Hail Mary, full of grace


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

On Breaking Bones


On Breaking Bones
In the style of Jeffrey Harrison

The day Danielle drowned,
I whipped Bobby with my swim cap
on the bleachers before practice.
He whipped back at me, laughing,
and chasing me up and down the slippery pool deck.
3 o’ clock! Everyone line up.
55 high school swimmers hopped in the water
like any normal Tuesday, feet first! (as always)
and swam the normal 500 yard warm-up.
It was somewhere in the second set
that normal left the building.
In lane three, me and Z stopped for a drink
when we realized everyone else had stopped as well.
There were whispers. And shouts.
Lane one! Look in lane one!
Our coach was in the water, trousers blown up
like a parachute, dress shirt soaked
like a wet t-shirt contest in Rio.
He was holding a girl. Dragging her onto the deck.
It was Danielle. My childhood friend.
And she wasn’t breathing.
Coach didn’t hesitate with CPR.
They were soaking wet, he was drenched in sweat.
We all stared as he thrust his strength into her body.
Someone called the ambulance.
They didn’t come for another seven minutes.
Coach didn’t stop for even a second,
pouring sweat onto her bare skin.
He broke her ribs. We heard them crack.
He was crying.
He couldn’t save her.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

I Love Your Mind

I love you for your mind
for the way it works and sometimes doesn't,
how you survived two semesters of organic chemistry
and I have no idea about the things you know.
I love you for your mind
for the way you laugh at sometimes funny things
and sometimes not,
how you think you look good in 90's dress clothes
and I have no idea how you pull it off.
I love you for your mind
for the way you refuse to put on your hazard lights
in a torrential downpour on the highway,
how you hate centipedes to the point of girly screams
and I have no idea how we didn't crash that day.
I love you for your mind
for the way it loses track of time and place
when we're driving home from Illinois
and accidentally end up in Michigan.


5 Minutes in 312 Beaver Hill, or 12:28 a.m.

5 Minutes in 312 Beaver Hill, or 12:28 a.m.

Toilet seat!
Turn all the lights out,
my world is changing, I'm rearranging,
and he's trying to sound like a cat while he's peeing.
My world is changing, I'm rearranging,
pick me up love, everyday.
Takin' it up, you take me up-
Tina burrito.
My world is changing, I'm rearranging.
Check it out!
I did it for you- just for you.
Why, are you some kind of retard?
My mouth... I guess that's better than the alternative.
My world is changing.
My world is changing.
...
...
ermagherd.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Blue Jeans in the City

This is what Chicago looks like when you're driving really fast on the highway
and you're trying really hard to get to a concert on time after taking a wrong turn-
when you show up-on time-and things are looking really glamorous
and you're wearing blue jeans but you really don't care.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Help Along the Way or, That Time I Got Stopped By the Police When Walking Ten Miles


Some roads are long and winding. Some are short and hilly. Some lead to paradises on mountain tops and others lead to sewage treatment plants in rusted valleys. Every road in life, I've learned, will never fail you, and if you look hard enough, while traveling, you will always find solace along the way.

It was on this road, this long and winding road, not yet a week ago, that I got stopped by a police man who had a kind face and soft eyes. I was walking from State College to Bellefonte, a 10-mile trek that I endeavor to accomplish every-other-weekend or so. Ten miles there, ten miles back. I usually run, but on this particular occasion, my curiosity for picture-taking had gotten the best of me and I knew that my camera needed to travel along. I can't run with a five-pound, awkwardly weighted contraption slung over my shoulder, so my only choice was to walk. If you've ever run some place with a destination in mind, you know that getting there is a joyous reward. So as I plodded along slowly, all I could think about was running to get to my destination faster. And I was lonely--boy, was I ever lonely. Walking ten miles solo in the middle of nowhere takes a toll on the mind and I was praying that someone...anyone...would stop in their car and ask me if I needed anything. A weary traveler I was, indeed. I just wanted someone to halt their busy day to care about an out of place wanderer.

About six miles from State College, and four miles from Bellefonte, I was on the stretch of road that would make my mother shudder and turn away as each car zoomed by. This long, forgotten stretch of road is bordered by fields and the State Correctional Institute--the one that once housed the electric chair and now boasts a lethal-injection-wing. The shoulder of the road is a mere half-foot wide and tall weeds grow along the side so that if I had to jump off of the asphalt, I may get sucked right into the dry, brown thistle plants and never come back out.

It was in this valley--between thistle giants and roguely passing tractor trailers-- that I saw the squad-car approach. My head my spinning from the hot sun. Was someone coming to rescue me from my mind and my solitude? As I continued walking, he exited the car and paced toward me from the opposite direction, young, kind. His face looked concerned. I glanced down and pulled my shirt up to cover what cleavage may have been showing. He put his hands on his hips. When we were face to face he looked at me closely.

"Hey, are you okay?" he said, gazing intently at my eyes for drug-use, tears, or some other apparent malady. 

"I'm...I'm okay.." I manage to stutter out a few phrases, my brain-washed-fear of The Law now clearly evident.

"Okay, because I saw you walking in town a few miles back and now you're all the way out here and someone radioed in to say there was a girl bawling her eyes out back there and she was movin' pretty quick..if someone's hurting you back in town, you can tell me and I can help you out. If you're trying to escape..."

I explained to him that I was sweating pretty hard and wiping it out of my eyes, which would have caused a passerby to assume the crying. I remembered my backpack, and how at first glance, I could pass for a runaway. I told him I was simply trying to get to Bellefonte to take some pictures and visit the farmer's market...that I wasn't being abused and I wasn't a hoodlum running far away. 

He looked skeptical, probably because of the uncertainty in my (annoyingly) wavering voice that I couldn't avoid (was I really talking to this policeman who didn't want to put a mark on my permanent record?)Though hesitant, he said okay, he believed me, and wished me luck on the remainder of my journey.

"Oh, and please be safe." 

I kept walking and smiled to myself. I wasn't alone. The policeman was this road's promise. 

When I got to Bellefonte, some sweet strangers took the time to talk to me, the weary traveler...a bison-meat-seller at the farmer's market, a woman who approached me as I sat on the steps of the courthouse, an old man who gazed with me at the fire remains of a newly burned-down hotel, and a woman with a puppy in an antique store housed in Bellefonte's old theatre.

On my way back to school, a middle-aged black man dressed in a suit in a really nice car pulled to the side and said he saw me on his way to work a few hours ago, and now here I was. Hi, I'm Scott. Did I need bus money? No. Was I hurt? No. Am I really doing this just for fun? Yes, I really am. I thanked the friendly man and continued on my way, smiling to myself yet again because my faith in humanity that day had been restored. 

To the kind policeman, to the strangers, and to Scott, thank you for being my help along the way.

To those of you who didn't stop to chat, to care, to ask, to give hope...may you be moved by the promise of the path that you're on.


 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Friday, September 7, 2012

Emerald Water With Cars Underneath


If you've ever jumped off of a 40-foot-cliff into a deep, deep quarry, then you may know how hard it is to want to keep your feet on the ground thereafter. 

You may know that after you make the commitment to jump, time freezes and skips ahead at the same time. For the moment that you're falling, you can neither think, nor feel, nor remember. And when you hit the water with a minor sting or maybe more, your next thought is wanting to do it all over again because you've already forgotten what it feels like to fly.



Thursday, September 6, 2012

Learn Me

Pick up your head when you walk in the streets
even when the rain is pouring down hard,
look around you and take your time.
Take a minute and try to learn me.
Take your eyes off the screen, 
blow up my mind with words,
sounds, decibels, vowels.
Ask me where I'm headed
and tell me where you came from.
Take a minute.
Try to learn me and you will learn you. 


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Fear Is My Church

I'm singing a song that I've grown to love over the past few months and I come across the bridge and start belting at the top of my lungs what I think the lyrics are: Fear is my church.

Powerful, powerful lyrics I think to myself, and how intuitive of the artist to write such a convicting line; they fit into the song and they really, truly make me think about what has been ruling my life lately. Unfortunately, when I look up the lyrics to this song, Fear is my church is not actually the correct phrase (it's the city is my church), but a line I've crafted in my mind. But that womp womp womp moment doesn't matter. My mind has been sparked with my truth.

I've been back here at Penn State for merely 5 days and my school-time fears have already crept back into my life after the carefree, comfort of summer. The stress of my routine brings me constantly back on my guard; some devil inside of me constantly asking this condemning question: are you doing enough to get to where society says you should be?

In this question, my fears of failure, bad grades, shyness, self-consciousness, and introvertedness flood my mind. I start looking for a job. I don't get the job. I freak out, I wonder if this will affect my ability to get a "good" job after I graduate. I need money. I need experience. I need conversational business skills. I apply for 50 billion research assistantships. I get one, I have an interview for another. I don't feel too relieved. I have 21 credits. I fear that with such a course-load, I won't have time to socialize. If I don't have time to socialize, how will I dare become a normal person, able to win over my boss in the future. I'm 21 years old. I don't really want to go to the bar. I worry that if I'm not going to the bar, I will miss out on those bar-side conversations that will help me get an 'in' with the perfect crowd, the students who find time to manage school, work, and their winsome personalities. I wonder what my purpose is in this life, but I know that it's not this.

This fear is my church. I've been catering to it in my daily routine, it's been consuming my thoughts. I've been going to it in my free time, been worshiping there.

And I've never felt more convicted in my life. Never felt the need for Jesus more. My fears have been creeping into every aspect of my life and I know, deep down, that I have no need for fear. My church has been fear, but it needs to be trust. Trust in the Lord, trust in my friends, my family, myself. Instead of asking myself daily if I'm doing enough to get to where society says I should be, where man says I should be, I should be asking myself this question: am I doing enough to honor God and become the woman that he wants me to be

With this, I will be free from fear.


Psalm 42:

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon —from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.
By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Holding Words In Your Hands

 
'The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life and one is as good as the other'. -Ernest Hemingway

It's summertime in Pennsylvania again, meaning the corn plants have started to shoot up and the smell of hot hay is never too far from my nostrils. Summer also means time to sit and think and observe the world that I have always known. I've been thinking of time a lot lately, the passage of it and the whole of it. From the way that it seems to pass too quickly, so quickly that I can't seem to remember what I did just a few days ago, to the way that it must have seemed so much slower so many years ago, when the residents of this land only had the corn plants to watch grow and the hay to perfect itself in order to be cut down. I wonder why I am stuck in this fast paced time where the corn plants are barely something to take notice of, where one may trample the plants without thinking of the consequences, or never smell the burn of scorched hay because their air conditioning keeps them inside the car, the home. These thoughts always bring me back to a place where I can find an appreciation for what has been and still is yet isn't seen any longer. 

My library, my precious books. 


They tell tales of seas and pastures and mountains. They hold records of births and deaths and marriages and friendships made and broken by a fireplace telling stories. My library is my peaceful thread to the past that grounds me in this wavering, tiresome future. They aren't just old books. They're books with smells unique in their pages, with newspaper clippings that previous owners have left behind. They contain notes and letters and signatures and addresses, quotes and poems and schoolwork and love songs.


To hold words in your hands, old words, is a blessing so quickly disappearing. The gold foil lettering, the crackly leather bindings, the inkblots in the ex libris notes. These blessings are too sacred to discard. 


Friends, learn from the words of our past counterparts. Let them fill your soul because they are wise and we are moving too quickly. Find solace in a book that has been passed around from mothers to daughters to neighbors to doctors to pastors to cousins to lovers. Your Kindle will light up the room only until the battery is gone. And then what will we find to hold in our hands to comfort us in times of need?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Top Outerwear Picks of the Season


The "I'm-So-Hipster-That-I'm-Not-Hipster" Jacket

The Sorority Must-Have

The Avid Sportsman Windbreaker








The Mid
In the bright light of the Indiana plains
my sister said that it’s just as she imagined:
flat, with those tall, brown Indiana plants,
perpetually tall and brown in the dead of winter,
or mid-summer, or in an unseasonably warm March.
We flew across the flat highway, passing thousands
or millions of Indiana plants trapped
in their lonely, tall brownness along I-80.
I thought of you at the end of our journey,
waiting at the end of our straight and narrow path,
waiting in Chicago, where the Indiana plants
are replaced with industrial-looking things and
rich Midwesterners thinking they’re as chic
as the east coast or the west when in fact
they’re just caught in the middle of the long road;
pioneers who settled before they reached
the final destination.
And you- waiting for us in the middle,
where we’ve flown to and driven to from
our home on the east coast, you wait
for me with open arms and show me that
being in the  middle isn’t so very bad.